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Archive for November, 2009|Monthly archive page


In by Michael on November 29, 2009 at 4:25 am

A seriously hot female. Eyes, legs, tummy, hair, tits, smile, butt, everything, all perfect.

Ten cent coin. Can buy you a few extra minutes at the parking meter.

To rat on someone to the authorities. A cheap move that’ll get your punk ass shot.

Ten bucks worth of marijuana. Gets the job done.

A defensive play in football. Great for when the offense is using four wide receivers.

An assist in basketball. Teamwork makes the dream work.

A thousand dollars. Not bad for a day’s work.

A very precise point. If you can turn or stop on one, you’re good.


Hobo Cigarette

In by Michael on November 29, 2009 at 3:58 am

Hunt around bus stops and by park benches and on sidewalks outside of clubs and under barstools and in ashtrays outside of offices. After long enough, you’ll find enough cigarette butts. Like fresh snowflakes, each one has its own irregularly smushed and wrinkled shape.

Unwrap each one, one by one, and collect the few remaining flakes of unused tobacco. It adds up quicker than you think.

Get some rolling papers. These are cheaper than dirt and sold at your local gas station or convenience store.

Roll your gathered tobacco flakes into their happy new home.

Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.


In by Lara on November 27, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Walking briskly down wet pavement, she slipped and fell. As soon as the blood droplets started to form she looked away. Blood reminded her too much of her own mortality. But she forced herself to look—at the small cuts slanting this way and that, at the dirty asphalt rocks that knit their way into the flat part of her knee, and after awhile she forgot about the disgust, the fear, the anxiety.

She looked up and around to the grey sky and down to the wet pavement. She smiled that she was alive enough to breath, to bleed, to feel.

Things I am thankful for in no particular order

In by Lara on November 27, 2009 at 3:07 pm

Health, both mental and physical

Great friends, ones that have been on journeys with you in the past and those that are currently on the one you’re trekking on now

Family that’s there for you no matter what



Spirituality in the least expected places

My dog, who is getting older and older and getting more and more white hair on his big dog face every time I see him

The ability to see outside of myself, my situation, my self-constructed world


Bright colors


Warmth in winter

Guilt-free relaxation

Ability to learn, to create, to do


In by Lara on November 27, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Honey, will you say a little something for grace before we dig into dinner? Mom just asked me.

Oh jeez. I don’t even believe in god. I can’t say that though. I don’t think I even remember that meal prayer I used to say religiously—hah—like the pledge of allegiance before every meal when I was a kid. Something about bless you oh lord…


Um. I stared down at my plate.

I am thankful for health, friends, and family. Let’s take a moment to think about what we’re all thankful for. Amen.

Great grace, honey, Mom smiled at me.


In by Lara on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 pm

Son, did you give grandma her meds?

Yup. She can’t have solids yet right?

Only broth for now.

Okay, what about mom? Is she still having her anxiety attack?

No, she drank some water and is calming down in the closet.

That’s good. Is there anything I can pick up at the store for you?

Yeah, can you get me some Nyquil or cough syrup? I think I have the flu.

Oh, no not you, too.

I’m afraid so, son. Your old man is…well, old! Hah.

It’s been a rough year, hasn’t it?

Yes, but we’re all here. That’s important.

24 Magazines

In by Michael on November 27, 2009 at 1:49 am

It’s business week, and, without going into details, I’m an entrepreneur. I know it’s not in vogue in the recession, but don’t be mad that I jet across the Atlantic monthly (it’s o.k., I’ve got a fortune). Time is money, and it doesn’t take an economist to figure out that maxim. I’m an esquire by profession, and both my car and driver are in style. My girlfriend, a real cosmo New Yorker, is good at a whole lot more than good housekeeping.

People, listen: you can’t just sit and watch the world spin; you’ve gotta live life with some glamour.


In by Michael on November 26, 2009 at 3:15 pm

Mom and dad are drunk and passed out at the table. Uncle Will says not to expect any Christmas presents from him because he “put a whole goddamn paycheck on the Raiders game and the goddamn Raiders couldn’t get a first down if it meant getting head from the goddamn Virgin Mary.” My older sister is hitting on our greasy neighbor (who’s only over because my parents feel bad for him) who has been eye-fucking Aunt Cindy all night. My little brother spilled half the cranberry sauce on the carpet, the dog licked it up, and they both have diarrhea.

Shakes on a Plane

In by Michael on November 22, 2009 at 12:13 am

“I’ve never flown on a plane before.”

“Oh really? It’s fun.”

“Is it scary?”

“No, it’s kinda fun.”

“I’m scared.”

“You can hold my hand.”


“We’re going to take off soon.”

“Oh Jesus. Why is the plane moving?”

“We’re going to take off soon.”

“Oh Jesus. Oh Lord.”

“How’re you doing?”

“Oh Jesus.”

“Hey look, we’re already in the air.”

“Is this really happening?”

“It’s happening. You can keep holding my hand.”


“What’re those bags for?”

“Sometimes people get sick and throw up in them.”

She closes her eyes and puts her head back. “This is some bullshit.”

Hot and Cold

In by Lara on November 20, 2009 at 2:17 am

I hate warm weather. I love it right now. Cold, dreary. It’s excellent.

How can you love coldness? The sun is so beckoning, so warm.

It can still be sunny if it’s cold.

Fine. But summer is warmth! It brings better moods and longer days and better fashion!

You mean skimpier fashion. What about long coats and fur hats and boots?

Fine, well summer has more colors and flowers and life.

Winter is cozy. It bring people together, and the snow has been compared to a “wonderland.”

But you freeze in the snow.

You burn in the heat.